It's always disheartening to find out that someone close to you had doubts about you, whether they tell you straightaway, or whether you find out in retrospect. It probably hurts more finding out after the fact.

Sometimes I feel this is all wrong. I can't handle your detachedness when it's aimed towards me. If I can't seem to get that spark with you, then I may as well not...

And my head keeps spinning

Can't stop having these visions

I gotta get wit it

Chased the good life my whole life long

Look back on my life my whole life gone

Where did I go wrong?

Kanye West ft. Kid Cudi- "Welcome to Heartbreak"

an entry

I have logged on because I felt the need to blog, but have absolutely no idea what I feel like writing about.

Then it occurred to me that the most apt thing to write is this. I noticed the caption of this blog, one I see all the time but don't pay attention to.
At the moment I am, Darkness
Down
Out

I want to be Light
Up
In

Note to self: I realise that wanting to be "in" doesn't make sense, but hey... :p small joke there.

Baby, I love you and you know that. But please tell me you can see a brighter future, hope it is there, otherwise my last domino will fall.

I don't want to face the day without you.

Feeling unsafe and insecure.

:(

It's so difficult sometimes. For both.

There's so much I want to see. I am passionate about my desire to travel and see the world, see the sights, see what it has to offer me. This primarily stems from the fact that I was very restricted when I was young and living at home- I barely went out of the house until I started uni and essentially created my own independence from my parents. Also being in financial hardship meant going overseas was out of the question. The only reason I had the money to go overseas was because my parents divorced and sold the family house, from which they gave my brothers and I a small sum. I use the term house because it wasn't "home" for a very long time while we lived in it.

I ended up lending most of my share to my brother anyway. What a stupid move that was.

Now I'm restricted for a different reason. It is nobody's fault, but more we are unfortunate victims of circumstances. For whatever difficulty or irritation I feel, it must be a minute fraction of what it must be really like. 

But that doesn't mean it doesn't get me down sometimes. Wanting to go on a holiday, not necessarily far just somewhere I haven't been to before. Naturally I'm going to ask. But would I be able to go without you?

I'm afraid of what would happen if I did. It's only a week, but it takes less than that for the boat to capsize. I'm not happy about this at all. 

life. in moments. in music.

How often it is that you relate to a song. That completely encapsulates how you feel, when you have no idea how to express it in words.

I recently wrote 25 things about myself that I thought people didn't know about me. It's all over facebook, everyone's doing it! But it was therapeutic. It's interesting, I'm not much of a blogger but I do enjoy writing whenever I do get around to doing it.

I feel like I don't have a rudder, or direction. I have no clear goal for the future in terms of my career. I feel like I don't have a clear goal for the future in terms of my relationship. I feel like I don't have a clear idea of who my real friends are.

How to Disappear Completely- Radiohead

- I will write a review of The Game's last album LAX. The main reason I write this here is that it will force me to do it. It will be a nice change to write something that's not all "me, me, I, I".

in defense of... what?

I think one of the biggest struggles is about freedom. I was going to list all the differences I could think of but now I think that won't help things.

I feel like I'm not allowed to have a good time with my friends because it happens at a time when she's at home by herself, particularly if things aren't fun at home. I understand that a lot of the time we just talk to help her escape that world if only for a minute, and we do. Alot. But I also have a life to lead. At least give me that sometimes. It's not always peachy living on this side. I need a time out too. I know you get envious because you're not able to do the same, hardly ever if at all. But why do you hold that against me? I have no actions that I need to defend, done no bad deeds.

And I don't know what you worry about sometimes. Honestly, people doubt me to their detriment. I will rise to the top. So why do I have to defend myself all the fucking time? Tired. Talk about appreciating the sacrifices I make, step in my shoes and feel the pressures. And if I don't pick up the phone, then maybe a text message is more appropriate. Otherwise I will start turning my phone off, cos 17+ missed calls is fucking bullshit. Deal with it. I will not say this again.

--------------

I don't get too excited about art. Or rather, maybe I just haven't truly found art that excites me.

I try to make an effort, going to museums, free exhibitions now and again, seeing things that she wants to go see. But in all honesty, I'm never truly excited. I can appreciate things in a work or installation, like grand pieces where it is obvious the level of skill involved in creation, the attention to detail, the length of time and dedication required to make the piece. But often times, particularly with modern day art, I just look at it and think, who cares.

Sculptures by the Sea this year (for those that don't know, SxS is a yearly free outdoor exhibition set in Sydney along the incredibly picturesque backdrop that is the Bondi Beach- Tamarama Beach walk) was.... under-whelming. Admittedly we didn't go see all of it as it was getting dark, cold and dinner time, lol... But most of the pieces were either too random, or too abstract, or too "so what?" for me. It didn't evoke an emotional response most of the time. I think the epitome of this was an installation that consisted entirely of what looked like random rubbish, set on a rock that is part of the cliff face. Big who gives a flying F. There was also a piece based on Scrabble pieces that spelt out "I M A G   N E". Can you guess what the missing letter is? Do you really care that wow, I did think of it, hooray that I know English?! 

So sometimes I try to make things more interesting by making jokes (some would call it witty commentary, others would call it sheer idiocy. Well, six of one, half a dozen of the other...) I have to laugh at the people that take art too seriously. The image I have of going to see art exhibitions and the people there dressed in various shades of black, liberal amounts of pearls, an occasional monocle, with lots of ahhh, ummming, and words such as baroque, impression, luminescent....get fucked. I don't think I'm missing much with "high society". 

I prefer music, and would love to see more live music. But I don't get to indulge in it much, cos tickets x2 are expensive, and also it gets too difficult to ensure that we can both go that night. If only there were more concerts during weekday days, but of course that's not going to happen.

deep breath.

-------

T.I.R.L. this week.

The feeling of sitting down looking over the ocean. The ambient noise is so relaxing and rejuvenating. I understand why people want water views, but never understood why people pay so much more for water views of the harbour. Give me a little bungalow on the beach over a 3 bedroom high rise apartment in World Square, any day of the week.

and now T.I.R.D.L. For those playing at home, the D stands for Don't.

I don't like the smell of low tide. Too faecal for me :( lol.

a low point

I hate being home alone and being left out, even if it's nobody's fault.

I don't care how shit my life gets sometimes.

I'm never going to stop trying for you.

T.I.R.L

I really like it when things work the way they're supposed to. I guess this is more because I really DON'T like it when things don't. -> this leads to a Man vs. Machine rant that I will post later.

I like otters.

And possibly turtles. I mean, TURDULS (insert zombie voice).

fatigue and M.I.A

Relationships are about give and take.

I don't mind giving, but...

:(

I'm missing me.

it's just a game

..but our relationship isn't.

We're more similar than we think. So I understand where you're coming from. And I still love you.


Two of a kind, with a little growing up to do..

Feeling like you're not part of anything. It's a bad feeling to have.

Shake it off.

The grass is greener on the other side but it's such a long way uphill.

My load is so heavy.

I. want. this feel.ing. to end.

feelin philosophical

The last few days have been non-events for me. Not much going on, not much doing. I feel like I'm treading water.

I've spent a bit more time with Joan and that's made me feel good. Otherwise, not much. All the action happens this weekend- moving house into a room that is itself shite, but I'm hoping that it is everything else that comes with the room that makes it good. This ranges from things like awesome cable internet (compared to shite adsl that I have to put up with atm), platinum foxtel, to other things such as travel time to work (hopefully minimal traffic), and being able to spend more time with Joan, even if it's just snatching an hour here and there.

Moving house and changing jobs are two things that don't happen all that often in one's life- although I suppose that depends on your industry and career choice. I feel it won't happen many times for me. The expense involved in changing this is like changing cars- don't do it too often cos it's just a waste of money.

Things come and things go. I'm beginning to realise that alot of the time friends do as well. And it's sad. The people that truly value you, and the people that you value, are often very different people altogether. I wish it wasn't like that in my life.

There's an old expression, that you should be able to count the number of true friends that you have in your whole life, on one hand. There's also a modern take on that- for every 100 friends a person has on facebook, they probably only truly have 2 friends. Well, by that count, I would have 4.6 (I suppose round that up to 5, or have 4 friends and know an infant). One hand.

Beginning to think, who are the people I'm always calling to contact, and who are those that take the time to text or call me? The people that I cared about, and the people I thought cared about me, yeah, it's different people.

In times of hardship you see who your true friends are, and you see their true colours. I don't know my colour, but the people that have my back- I've always preferred the company of a few to the company of many. Suppose that's lucky.

But it all doesn't matter. To be loved, and to love. That's much more important.

I love you. I love you for trying your best. Let's grow together.

natural light, get it off!

Being self-imposed housebound for the last week or so has sucked. Illness is such a chore; it consumes so much of your energy, spirit and willpower to do things, your enthusiasm to shine, your ability to to break out and carpe diem and all that. I've just wanted to lie in bed, migrate to the PC, and headed out to the grocery store to stock up on soup. Lots of it. The Heinz Very Special range is surprisingly good! For $3 a can, can't go wrong.

I used to get over colds and flus really quickly as a kid. Couple of days tops and bam, back in it. I used to wear shorts to school and it'd be like 4-5 degrees and foggy. Now it seems I can't shake off colds for at least a week no matter what I try. I don't know why.

One of the "positive" aspects of being sick, I suppose, is that I've lost a bit of weight. I'm reminded of the so-called celebrity "diet" where in order to lose a few pounds people intentionally ate under-cooked chicken/pork to get e-coli or salmonella poisoning. A few days of diarrhoea, maybe a little vomiting, and voila, down a dress size. IDIOTS.

In this day and age of instant celebrity and the multitude of ways to get it- reality TV, being a blogstar/youtube star eg. Perez Hilton, I have to take a step back. Why do we worship these people so much? And why do their opinions on completely random topics carry so much weight?
And why are there so many trashy magazines dedicated to getting snaps of celebs looking 'ugly' for when they just want to go down the store and buy some bread and milk for chrissakes?

An example that comes to mind is Kanye West. A true celebrity because he is recognised for his talent- beatmaking and rapping. Never get it twisted- he is a beatmaker and producer first and foremost. I love his style. In a recent mixtape he released before Graduation was dropped, he recounts how someone asked him in an interview, whether he would vote for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton in the Democratic candidacy.

Why ask him? I guess it's interesting to know different things about celebrities, know more about their lives than just what they're famous for, sure. To just get his opinion on an issue that affects the American nation, sure. But if at that moment he says the wrong thing, it'll get blown out of context and become a scandal, because he's a celebrity. It's like, as a celebrity must be able to keep right on the pulse of everything. Because you're a celebrity, you must know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. Your opinion is instantly more informed, more wise, more intelligent. You've become a god. But wtf.

Kanye goes on to say, well, I'm just interested in doing projects that are exciting and interesting to him. I don't really know that much about politics to make an informed statement. Good on him. Common sense prevails. Sure it's interesting to read what he'd have to say. But it's only his opinion in a field where he has no further advantages or insight than say, my hairdresser. My hairdresser ain't known all round the world, but her political opinion is probably more informed than Kanye's. So why aren't her passionate anti-Bush anti-McCain views a nationwide scandal?

PS> Has anyone else thought of putting Jon McCain's face on the McCain chips? That'd be funny.

i don't know what it is
but every time i feel like i'm finally past it
and embrace it like i used to
you do something
that makes me not want to.

i don't want it if it's going to be like this.
it's too often for me to handle.
what did i ever do to deserve this mistrust?
Nothing.

-----
Every time, every time i see you, i see you, i say-say
That tomorrow, that tomorrow's never promised today


Damien Rice- "The Blower's Daughter"/ Alicia Keys ft. Ludacris- "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (remix)

It's a question

Of loyalty.

It is such a priceless commodity, a hidden treasure unearthed in the most unlikely of people and sources? Valued and also incredibly underrated. And incredibly hard to find true loyalty.

Of trust.

Being trusting, overly so, can be detrimental to your health. A healthy distrust on the other hand, means not being able to relax. I like to give people that I don't know well the benefit of the doubt. So far it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop even if it seems the easier or wiser alternative.


Of selflessness.

Everyone is selfish. correction. Everyone in my life has been selfish. Being selfish is sometimes a good thing, cos you need to look after yourself as well as others. It seems ironic, but doing too much to help people out means you end up being the person that needs the most help.


_____________
Hurt.
Nine inch nails dropping slowly
I stare fixedly, awaiting, fascinated, unnerving
Imagining the sensation
The digging into my skin, mine flesh.
Inches, millimetres, moments.
The pain, the misery, the loathing.

I blink.
There is always a way out of this mess we're in.
There's an exit for one, but a better one for two.

like the flowing river

do i have a fundamental flaw?

maybe i'm not creative enough, maybe i can't always find things to pique your interest, maybe maybe maybe.

i'm tired of thinking i'm inadequate, that i always have to try harder. that i'm always the one that has to change.

i'm starting to wonder if
it
was
never
meant
to
be.

i'm just trying to be me. if that's not enough i don't know what else i'm supposed to do.

dazed and confused

i'm sorry i keep upsetting you.


am i damned if i do, damned if i don't?

there is a path to salvation, a shining light at the end of the dim tunnel
i started on it but a storm blew me off course.
and now i'm back on. determined. purposeful.
i look down and realise that the path is now a wire
and suspended 15 stories high.
i don't want to fall
but if i do
will you be there to catch me?

lovin' it

I must thank my baby for really introducing this song to meeh... :p

Clearly, this is new for me
Get excited when you're here, my dear
Make no mistake you are all I see, sugar
My vision's never been so clear
We both know that I been runnin so long
This time I won't let me leave
Please be patient
Hesitation aside
We're almost where we need to be

But in the meantime, let me say what's on my mind
Baby, I....

I think we've got somethin' special
Girl, you and me
Together, we'll take over the world
You know I love ya I need you so
So happy I just wanna let everybody know

Think back to the time
When I was scared to let it show
Havin' too much fun with this and that one
Now that you're mine (huh yeah..)
Somewhere along the way, everything fell in place....

----

Funny how love works.
Sometimes it's when we're the furthest apart
That I realise
how close we are.
It scares me but that's ok.
How much you mean to me.

poignant. in 9.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

---
such a simple song, beautiful in its simplicity.
the meaning changes if i interpret this as a song for two people.
but am i the bold or the italic?

i wish it was easier. a text tonight, and it means all the difference in the world.
when i said i wanted to feel special some time, the cost was 9 words.

i miss you

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)

I'm searching for the lover I knew
Have you seen him?
Where did he go?
Feels like I've just lost my only friend
Flames subsided, colors faded
Love just got so complicated
Wish that I could see him smile again
So if you see him out there, tell him I'm still here
Waiting for the day when he will reappear

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)

Maybe I know I was wrong and I
Ignored him for too long and I
Didn't even notice when he slipped away
Maybe while I lay fast asleep then
Out into the night he creeps
I'll leave the light on, so he'll come back someday
So if you see him out there, tell him it's not fair
That life's just not the same when he's not here

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
Just what am I supposed to do?
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)