It's always disheartening to find out that someone close to you had doubts about you, whether they tell you straightaway, or whether you find out in retrospect. It probably hurts more finding out after the fact.

Sometimes I feel this is all wrong. I can't handle your detachedness when it's aimed towards me. If I can't seem to get that spark with you, then I may as well not...

And my head keeps spinning

Can't stop having these visions

I gotta get wit it

Chased the good life my whole life long

Look back on my life my whole life gone

Where did I go wrong?

Kanye West ft. Kid Cudi- "Welcome to Heartbreak"

an entry

I have logged on because I felt the need to blog, but have absolutely no idea what I feel like writing about.

Then it occurred to me that the most apt thing to write is this. I noticed the caption of this blog, one I see all the time but don't pay attention to.
At the moment I am, Darkness
Down
Out

I want to be Light
Up
In

Note to self: I realise that wanting to be "in" doesn't make sense, but hey... :p small joke there.

Baby, I love you and you know that. But please tell me you can see a brighter future, hope it is there, otherwise my last domino will fall.

I don't want to face the day without you.

Feeling unsafe and insecure.

:(

It's so difficult sometimes. For both.

There's so much I want to see. I am passionate about my desire to travel and see the world, see the sights, see what it has to offer me. This primarily stems from the fact that I was very restricted when I was young and living at home- I barely went out of the house until I started uni and essentially created my own independence from my parents. Also being in financial hardship meant going overseas was out of the question. The only reason I had the money to go overseas was because my parents divorced and sold the family house, from which they gave my brothers and I a small sum. I use the term house because it wasn't "home" for a very long time while we lived in it.

I ended up lending most of my share to my brother anyway. What a stupid move that was.

Now I'm restricted for a different reason. It is nobody's fault, but more we are unfortunate victims of circumstances. For whatever difficulty or irritation I feel, it must be a minute fraction of what it must be really like. 

But that doesn't mean it doesn't get me down sometimes. Wanting to go on a holiday, not necessarily far just somewhere I haven't been to before. Naturally I'm going to ask. But would I be able to go without you?

I'm afraid of what would happen if I did. It's only a week, but it takes less than that for the boat to capsize. I'm not happy about this at all. 

I don't care how shit my life gets sometimes.

I'm never going to stop trying for you.

fatigue and M.I.A

Relationships are about give and take.

I don't mind giving, but...

:(

I'm missing me.

low

Gravity is working against me,
And gravity wants to bring me down.


I wish you could help, but I don't think that's where the answer lies. I'm sorry.

Just keep me where the light is.

Feeling like you're not part of anything. It's a bad feeling to have.

Shake it off.

The grass is greener on the other side but it's such a long way uphill.

My load is so heavy.

I. want. this feel.ing. to end.

i don't know what it is
but every time i feel like i'm finally past it
and embrace it like i used to
you do something
that makes me not want to.

i don't want it if it's going to be like this.
it's too often for me to handle.
what did i ever do to deserve this mistrust?
Nothing.

-----
Every time, every time i see you, i see you, i say-say
That tomorrow, that tomorrow's never promised today


Damien Rice- "The Blower's Daughter"/ Alicia Keys ft. Ludacris- "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (remix)

like the flowing river

do i have a fundamental flaw?

maybe i'm not creative enough, maybe i can't always find things to pique your interest, maybe maybe maybe.

i'm tired of thinking i'm inadequate, that i always have to try harder. that i'm always the one that has to change.

i'm starting to wonder if
it
was
never
meant
to
be.

i'm just trying to be me. if that's not enough i don't know what else i'm supposed to do.