Just when I think I've got it figured out, you do something to surprise me.
I think one of the biggest struggles is about freedom. I was going to list all the differences I could think of but now I think that won't help things.
..literally!
Had a head-on collision today. Nobody's fault, but I'm nursing a sore cheekbone (thankfully it's not swollen anymore) and he's nursing a sore head. Two ice packs later, we're doin' okay.
All this because he didn't want to be the closest person to the chips. Haha!
I like tennis now. Want to play more sport more consistently now.
These are things I plan to do within the next month. I've decided to post these on here, so that I can called up on these if I don't manage it.
I decided this blog needed a new look. Thanks belle for inspiring me to visit suckmylolly :)
I really like it when things work the way they're supposed to. I guess this is more because I really DON'T like it when things don't. -> this leads to a Man vs. Machine rant that I will post later.
I like otters.
And possibly turtles. I mean, TURDULS (insert zombie voice).
part 2.
I would really like an awesome statement belt. Ie. one with awesome buckle. Goes with jeans and encourages pelvic thrusting.
I'm sorry, you said what!? Get a load of *insert pelvic thrust* bamm!
Copying an idea from a friend's blog.
I will randomly and surreptitiously insert into the blog, Things that I Like. And maybe I'll have a Things I really Don't Like.
This week.
I really like the smell of a lit fire- for bbq/fireplace/bonfire purposes. Not arson..
[Musiq] Nowadays I don't understand
Why my love doesn't love me like she used to before
Now lately the sun just doesn't shine and my paradise is gone
Cause most of the time
We argue and fight
Over things that doesn't really matter
Lord knows that I tried
To give all my love
So what should I do?
[Carol] You got to understand it's all about give and take
You can't be so demanding
Things won't always go your way
If you just give it time
And think about her feelings
Then things will work out fine
Learn to make her your best friend
[Musiq] I hear what you saying but my girl she's always
Complaining and and blaming me for things I'll never do
And I don't know what, what it is that I did that was
So wrong to make her feel I'll ever be untrue to her
Cause most of the time
We argue and fight
Over things that doesn't really matter
Lord knows that I tried
To give all my love to her
What should I do?
[Carol]
You got to understand it's all about give and take
You can't be so demanding
Things won't always go your way
If you'll just give it time
And think about her feelings
Then things will work out fine
Learn to make her your best friend
See what you need to do is stop catching attitudes
And just try to take the time to hear her out
Stop being so defensive and try to be more attentive to
Show her you respect what she's talkin' 'bout
Cause you know how us women can be and when we
Feel threatened we react instinctively
When our emotions have grown to its high
We can tend to just let it control
Our lives
[Musiq] Well all right I'll try next time I'll try a little tenderness
Even make sure that I give her more complements
Maybe I could practice on being more patient
And compromise for my baby yeah yeah.
[Together]
If you want her in your life
Then you got to be willing to try
See it's worth the struggle
Cause in the end she will always
Be your best friend yeah.
---
Cos I love you
And I never want to stop trying for you
I want to be your best friend.
Relationships are about give and take.
I don't mind giving, but...
:(
I'm missing me.
..but our relationship isn't.
We're more similar than we think. So I understand where you're coming from. And I still love you.
Two of a kind, with a little growing up to do..
Gravity is working against me,
And gravity wants to bring me down.
I wish you could help, but I don't think that's where the answer lies. I'm sorry.
Just keep me where the light is.
Feeling like you're not part of anything. It's a bad feeling to have.
Shake it off.
The grass is greener on the other side but it's such a long way uphill.
My load is so heavy.
I. want. this feel.ing. to end.
The last few days have been non-events for me. Not much going on, not much doing. I feel like I'm treading water.
I've spent a bit more time with Joan and that's made me feel good. Otherwise, not much. All the action happens this weekend- moving house into a room that is itself shite, but I'm hoping that it is everything else that comes with the room that makes it good. This ranges from things like awesome cable internet (compared to shite adsl that I have to put up with atm), platinum foxtel, to other things such as travel time to work (hopefully minimal traffic), and being able to spend more time with Joan, even if it's just snatching an hour here and there.
Moving house and changing jobs are two things that don't happen all that often in one's life- although I suppose that depends on your industry and career choice. I feel it won't happen many times for me. The expense involved in changing this is like changing cars- don't do it too often cos it's just a waste of money.
Things come and things go. I'm beginning to realise that alot of the time friends do as well. And it's sad. The people that truly value you, and the people that you value, are often very different people altogether. I wish it wasn't like that in my life.
There's an old expression, that you should be able to count the number of true friends that you have in your whole life, on one hand. There's also a modern take on that- for every 100 friends a person has on facebook, they probably only truly have 2 friends. Well, by that count, I would have 4.6 (I suppose round that up to 5, or have 4 friends and know an infant). One hand.
Beginning to think, who are the people I'm always calling to contact, and who are those that take the time to text or call me? The people that I cared about, and the people I thought cared about me, yeah, it's different people.
In times of hardship you see who your true friends are, and you see their true colours. I don't know my colour, but the people that have my back- I've always preferred the company of a few to the company of many. Suppose that's lucky.
But it all doesn't matter. To be loved, and to love. That's much more important.
I love you. I love you for trying your best. Let's grow together.
I want your kisses in the morning, yeah
to let me know that everything will be alright
I wanna touch you every night before I go to sleep
to let you know that everything will be just fine
Whenever you're happy,
it makes me happy
I wanna be there for you
and do whatever makes you smile..
- Anthony David, "Ain't Good Enough For Me"
..when your boyfriend walks out of the cinema with you just because you're too scared to watch the rest of the film, even though he really wanted to see the movie and even though he paid for both tickets.
Being self-imposed housebound for the last week or so has sucked. Illness is such a chore; it consumes so much of your energy, spirit and willpower to do things, your enthusiasm to shine, your ability to to break out and carpe diem and all that. I've just wanted to lie in bed, migrate to the PC, and headed out to the grocery store to stock up on soup. Lots of it. The Heinz Very Special range is surprisingly good! For $3 a can, can't go wrong.
I used to get over colds and flus really quickly as a kid. Couple of days tops and bam, back in it. I used to wear shorts to school and it'd be like 4-5 degrees and foggy. Now it seems I can't shake off colds for at least a week no matter what I try. I don't know why.
One of the "positive" aspects of being sick, I suppose, is that I've lost a bit of weight. I'm reminded of the so-called celebrity "diet" where in order to lose a few pounds people intentionally ate under-cooked chicken/pork to get e-coli or salmonella poisoning. A few days of diarrhoea, maybe a little vomiting, and voila, down a dress size. IDIOTS.
In this day and age of instant celebrity and the multitude of ways to get it- reality TV, being a blogstar/youtube star eg. Perez Hilton, I have to take a step back. Why do we worship these people so much? And why do their opinions on completely random topics carry so much weight?
And why are there so many trashy magazines dedicated to getting snaps of celebs looking 'ugly' for when they just want to go down the store and buy some bread and milk for chrissakes?
An example that comes to mind is Kanye West. A true celebrity because he is recognised for his talent- beatmaking and rapping. Never get it twisted- he is a beatmaker and producer first and foremost. I love his style. In a recent mixtape he released before Graduation was dropped, he recounts how someone asked him in an interview, whether he would vote for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton in the Democratic candidacy.
Why ask him? I guess it's interesting to know different things about celebrities, know more about their lives than just what they're famous for, sure. To just get his opinion on an issue that affects the American nation, sure. But if at that moment he says the wrong thing, it'll get blown out of context and become a scandal, because he's a celebrity. It's like, as a celebrity must be able to keep right on the pulse of everything. Because you're a celebrity, you must know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. Your opinion is instantly more informed, more wise, more intelligent. You've become a god. But wtf.
Kanye goes on to say, well, I'm just interested in doing projects that are exciting and interesting to him. I don't really know that much about politics to make an informed statement. Good on him. Common sense prevails. Sure it's interesting to read what he'd have to say. But it's only his opinion in a field where he has no further advantages or insight than say, my hairdresser. My hairdresser ain't known all round the world, but her political opinion is probably more informed than Kanye's. So why aren't her passionate anti-Bush anti-McCain views a nationwide scandal?
PS> Has anyone else thought of putting Jon McCain's face on the McCain chips? That'd be funny.
i don't know what it is
but every time i feel like i'm finally past it
and embrace it like i used to
you do something
that makes me not want to.
i don't want it if it's going to be like this.
it's too often for me to handle.
what did i ever do to deserve this mistrust?
Nothing.
-----
Every time, every time i see you, i see you, i say-say
That tomorrow, that tomorrow's never promised today
Damien Rice- "The Blower's Daughter"/ Alicia Keys ft. Ludacris- "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (remix)
Of loyalty.
It is such a priceless commodity, a hidden treasure unearthed in the most unlikely of people and sources? Valued and also incredibly underrated. And incredibly hard to find true loyalty.
Of trust.
Being trusting, overly so, can be detrimental to your health. A healthy distrust on the other hand, means not being able to relax. I like to give people that I don't know well the benefit of the doubt. So far it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop even if it seems the easier or wiser alternative.
Of selflessness.
Everyone is selfish. correction. Everyone in my life has been selfish. Being selfish is sometimes a good thing, cos you need to look after yourself as well as others. It seems ironic, but doing too much to help people out means you end up being the person that needs the most help.
_____________
Hurt.
Nine inch nails dropping slowly
I stare fixedly, awaiting, fascinated, unnerving
Imagining the sensation
The digging into my skin, mine flesh.
Inches, millimetres, moments.
The pain, the misery, the loathing.
I blink.
There is always a way out of this mess we're in.
There's an exit for one, but a better one for two.
do i have a fundamental flaw?
maybe i'm not creative enough, maybe i can't always find things to pique your interest, maybe maybe maybe.
i'm tired of thinking i'm inadequate, that i always have to try harder. that i'm always the one that has to change.
i'm starting to wonder if
it
was
never
meant
to
be.
i'm just trying to be me. if that's not enough i don't know what else i'm supposed to do.
A friend sent these to me.. I dig the first one! I also dig the second one in terms of concept but the drawings themselves aren't quite as appealing.
i'm sorry i keep upsetting you.
am i damned if i do, damned if i don't?
there is a path to salvation, a shining light at the end of the dim tunnel
i started on it but a storm blew me off course.
and now i'm back on. determined. purposeful.
i look down and realise that the path is now a wire
and suspended 15 stories high.
i don't want to fall
but if i do
will you be there to catch me?
Just stumbled across this awesome UK street artist slinkachu. Slink's tag is "little hand-painted people in London left to fend for themselves". Been doing his thing for a couple years now.
check it out here
http://little-people.blogspot.com/
definitely click on the innercitysnail project. it's fantastic.
I also learnt that instead of paintings/statues etc, these guys call their exhibits "installations".
I like finding little gems like this- no pun intended. it's a wonderous world out there with lotsa talented people just out there doing their thing, but it's up to us to find them.
:)
I must thank my baby for really introducing this song to meeh... :p
Clearly, this is new for me
Get excited when you're here, my dear
Make no mistake you are all I see, sugar
My vision's never been so clear
We both know that I been runnin so long
This time I won't let me leave
Please be patient
Hesitation aside
We're almost where we need to be
But in the meantime, let me say what's on my mind
Baby, I....
I think we've got somethin' special
Girl, you and me
Together, we'll take over the world
You know I love ya I need you so
So happy I just wanna let everybody know
Think back to the time
When I was scared to let it show
Havin' too much fun with this and that one
Now that you're mine (huh yeah..)
Somewhere along the way, everything fell in place....
----
Funny how love works.
Sometimes it's when we're the furthest apart
That I realise
how close we are.
It scares me but that's ok.
How much you mean to me.
I lost a patient today. And normally it doesn't hit me as hard as this one. Feel terrible, grit your teeth, chin up and move on, cos I have 10 other patients relying on me to get them better or keep them alive.
I know that I did everything right in terms of my own treatments today, and didn't have a chance once he crashed. I covered all the bases. Still it feels shit to lose a patient like that. But I can't help feeling a little responsible.
I'm working at this new place as a favour to my boss, who I consider as a friend, and don't want to upset the applecart. But due to the massive ego of the boss at this new place, I had to fall in line with a substandard course of treatment.
In my opinion this cat required a much more aggressive line of treatment. But the boss rolls in and pulls rank, "I have 40 years of experience, when I was in 1974 blah blah blah" and basically says "do it my way or else, you know nothing". And by doing what he says, now the cat is dead. I feel as a direct result of accepting and going along with this protocol, I have indirectly contributed to this cat's death.
Logically, I know that it's not my fault at all. Yet I can't help but think that if I had the conviction to stand up for my opinion, and stood up to this vet clearly running on outdated and/or wacky info, then maybe this cat would still be alive. But then I'm running into the What If game, and I already know that's not good for anybody.
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.
---
such a simple song, beautiful in its simplicity.
the meaning changes if i interpret this as a song for two people.
but am i the bold or the italic?
i wish it was easier. a text tonight, and it means all the difference in the world.
when i said i wanted to feel special some time, the cost was 9 words.
Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)
I'm searching for the lover I knew
Have you seen him?
Where did he go?
Feels like I've just lost my only friend
Flames subsided, colors faded
Love just got so complicated
Wish that I could see him smile again
So if you see him out there, tell him I'm still here
Waiting for the day when he will reappear
Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)Maybe I know I was wrong and I
Ignored him for too long and I
Didn't even notice when he slipped away
Maybe while I lay fast asleep then
Out into the night he creeps
I'll leave the light on, so he'll come back someday
So if you see him out there, tell him it's not fair
That life's just not the same when he's not here
Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
Just what am I supposed to do?
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)
i wish i could understand her better.
i wish she could see how much it hurts.
i don't want to be defensive, but it's hard for me to let things go. That's a two way street.
i wish i could express to her all the things that excite me and infect her with that. sometimes the things that excite me aren't things i can necessarily show her in pictures or videos.
i wish i was more creatively expressive.
i wish she appreciated me more for who i am, not for what i do.
i've had to learn the hard way that you can't trust everybody you meet. Even somebody with whom you've shared things about yourself that there's no way you would share them with anybody else.
i wish she loved me.
Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began
Before it here we go again
Things got so dramatic
Things got out of hand
We said words we couldn't imagine
I don't understand
There you go with the same old thing
When things go wrong you always seem to blame me
Now I would like to find what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go
Will I ever know
Heaven only knows....
Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance
Sometimes when we talking words
Drowned on by the sound
Let's get back to touching, we'll get back on solid ground
Let's hold hands
Like the young romance
Let's first kiss like the moment we first did
Can we make love
Like way back in the day love
We can lose control, baby don't say "no"
Heaven only knows...
Will you come back to me?
Heaven only knows
Will you come back to me?
Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance...
Heaven only knows
Strangely I feel a connection with you babe
Oddly enough I crave for it to remain purely
More authentic than I've been used to
Surely this can't be something that's taboo cause you
Got it like I like it and I feel the need to say
Baby it's forever and I really mean to
Make you feel as special as I see you baby
Never have I ever been around someone
Who makes life so free and life so fun
And as crazy as it may sound, I ain't joking baby
Cause when I'm in those arms of yours
I'm so gone
The things I like
Can't tell me it's not right
When I'm with you
I lose myself and no one
Can make me do
What I can't wait to do when I'm with you
Really I get inspired off you baby
Truly I feel alive from you
And you're the only
No one else can duplicate you
I'd leave the one I have I know
It's sad but damn you
Got it like I like it and I feel the need
To say baby it's forever and I really mean to
Make you feel as special as I see you baby
Never have I been around someone
Who makes life so free and life so fun
And as crazy as it may sound I ain't joking baby
Cause when I'm in those arms of yours
I'm so gone
The things I like
Can't tell me it's not right
When I'm with you
I lose myself and no one
Can make me do
What I can't wait to do when I'm with you
The times that we've shared together
Are some of the best times of my life
I wish you were the one
I could be with forever
Cause when I'm with you
I don't want tomorrow to come
And if I had my way
I'd spend every day and night in your arms
So let me lay here
And feel what happiness feels like
And wish for it to last because
Tomorrow it's back to real life
Until then
I'll just keep dreaming
Cause when I'm in those arms of yours
I'm so gone
The things I like
Can't tell me it's not right
When I'm with you
I lose myself and no one
Can make me do
What I can't wait to do when I'm with you
---
My eyes they make you cry
Are you seeing in them
The depth of the pool of my soul.
Can you look
And see the reflection mirrored,
The mirror image
of two hearts?
Beating together
Mine cannot exist without yours.
-----
How can we have come so close to the edge of the abyss
When it's clear that what we both want
Is each other?
