unburdened

I lost a patient today. And normally it doesn't hit me as hard as this one. Feel terrible, grit your teeth, chin up and move on, cos I have 10 other patients relying on me to get them better or keep them alive.

I know that I did everything right in terms of my own treatments today, and didn't have a chance once he crashed. I covered all the bases. Still it feels shit to lose a patient like that. But I can't help feeling a little responsible.

I'm working at this new place as a favour to my boss, who I consider as a friend, and don't want to upset the applecart. But due to the massive ego of the boss at this new place, I had to fall in line with a substandard course of treatment.

In my opinion this cat required a much more aggressive line of treatment. But the boss rolls in and pulls rank, "I have 40 years of experience, when I was in 1974 blah blah blah" and basically says "do it my way or else, you know nothing". And by doing what he says, now the cat is dead. I feel as a direct result of accepting and going along with this protocol, I have indirectly contributed to this cat's death.

Logically, I know that it's not my fault at all. Yet I can't help but think that if I had the conviction to stand up for my opinion, and stood up to this vet clearly running on outdated and/or wacky info, then maybe this cat would still be alive. But then I'm running into the What If game, and I already know that's not good for anybody.