i don't know what it is
but every time i feel like i'm finally past it
and embrace it like i used to
you do something
that makes me not want to.

i don't want it if it's going to be like this.
it's too often for me to handle.
what did i ever do to deserve this mistrust?
Nothing.

-----
Every time, every time i see you, i see you, i say-say
That tomorrow, that tomorrow's never promised today


Damien Rice- "The Blower's Daughter"/ Alicia Keys ft. Ludacris- "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (remix)

It's a question

Of loyalty.

It is such a priceless commodity, a hidden treasure unearthed in the most unlikely of people and sources? Valued and also incredibly underrated. And incredibly hard to find true loyalty.

Of trust.

Being trusting, overly so, can be detrimental to your health. A healthy distrust on the other hand, means not being able to relax. I like to give people that I don't know well the benefit of the doubt. So far it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop even if it seems the easier or wiser alternative.


Of selflessness.

Everyone is selfish. correction. Everyone in my life has been selfish. Being selfish is sometimes a good thing, cos you need to look after yourself as well as others. It seems ironic, but doing too much to help people out means you end up being the person that needs the most help.


_____________
Hurt.
Nine inch nails dropping slowly
I stare fixedly, awaiting, fascinated, unnerving
Imagining the sensation
The digging into my skin, mine flesh.
Inches, millimetres, moments.
The pain, the misery, the loathing.

I blink.
There is always a way out of this mess we're in.
There's an exit for one, but a better one for two.

like the flowing river

do i have a fundamental flaw?

maybe i'm not creative enough, maybe i can't always find things to pique your interest, maybe maybe maybe.

i'm tired of thinking i'm inadequate, that i always have to try harder. that i'm always the one that has to change.

i'm starting to wonder if
it
was
never
meant
to
be.

i'm just trying to be me. if that's not enough i don't know what else i'm supposed to do.

creativity at its finest

A friend sent these to me.. I dig the first one! I also dig the second one in terms of concept but the drawings themselves aren't quite as appealing.

dazed and confused

i'm sorry i keep upsetting you.


am i damned if i do, damned if i don't?

there is a path to salvation, a shining light at the end of the dim tunnel
i started on it but a storm blew me off course.
and now i'm back on. determined. purposeful.
i look down and realise that the path is now a wire
and suspended 15 stories high.
i don't want to fall
but if i do
will you be there to catch me?

the little things

Just stumbled across this awesome UK street artist slinkachu. Slink's tag is "little hand-painted people in London left to fend for themselves". Been doing his thing for a couple years now.

check it out here
http://little-people.blogspot.com/

definitely click on the innercitysnail project. it's fantastic.

I also learnt that instead of paintings/statues etc, these guys call their exhibits "installations".

I like finding little gems like this- no pun intended. it's a wonderous world out there with lotsa talented people just out there doing their thing, but it's up to us to find them.
:)

lovin' it

I must thank my baby for really introducing this song to meeh... :p

Clearly, this is new for me
Get excited when you're here, my dear
Make no mistake you are all I see, sugar
My vision's never been so clear
We both know that I been runnin so long
This time I won't let me leave
Please be patient
Hesitation aside
We're almost where we need to be

But in the meantime, let me say what's on my mind
Baby, I....

I think we've got somethin' special
Girl, you and me
Together, we'll take over the world
You know I love ya I need you so
So happy I just wanna let everybody know

Think back to the time
When I was scared to let it show
Havin' too much fun with this and that one
Now that you're mine (huh yeah..)
Somewhere along the way, everything fell in place....

----

Funny how love works.
Sometimes it's when we're the furthest apart
That I realise
how close we are.
It scares me but that's ok.
How much you mean to me.

unburdened

I lost a patient today. And normally it doesn't hit me as hard as this one. Feel terrible, grit your teeth, chin up and move on, cos I have 10 other patients relying on me to get them better or keep them alive.

I know that I did everything right in terms of my own treatments today, and didn't have a chance once he crashed. I covered all the bases. Still it feels shit to lose a patient like that. But I can't help feeling a little responsible.

I'm working at this new place as a favour to my boss, who I consider as a friend, and don't want to upset the applecart. But due to the massive ego of the boss at this new place, I had to fall in line with a substandard course of treatment.

In my opinion this cat required a much more aggressive line of treatment. But the boss rolls in and pulls rank, "I have 40 years of experience, when I was in 1974 blah blah blah" and basically says "do it my way or else, you know nothing". And by doing what he says, now the cat is dead. I feel as a direct result of accepting and going along with this protocol, I have indirectly contributed to this cat's death.

Logically, I know that it's not my fault at all. Yet I can't help but think that if I had the conviction to stand up for my opinion, and stood up to this vet clearly running on outdated and/or wacky info, then maybe this cat would still be alive. But then I'm running into the What If game, and I already know that's not good for anybody.

poignant. in 9.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face and I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

---
such a simple song, beautiful in its simplicity.
the meaning changes if i interpret this as a song for two people.
but am i the bold or the italic?

i wish it was easier. a text tonight, and it means all the difference in the world.
when i said i wanted to feel special some time, the cost was 9 words.

i miss you

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)

I'm searching for the lover I knew
Have you seen him?
Where did he go?
Feels like I've just lost my only friend
Flames subsided, colors faded
Love just got so complicated
Wish that I could see him smile again
So if you see him out there, tell him I'm still here
Waiting for the day when he will reappear

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
I'm calling but I can't get through
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)

Maybe I know I was wrong and I
Ignored him for too long and I
Didn't even notice when he slipped away
Maybe while I lay fast asleep then
Out into the night he creeps
I'll leave the light on, so he'll come back someday
So if you see him out there, tell him it's not fair
That life's just not the same when he's not here

Where did my baby go?
I wonder where he ran off to
I miss my baby so
Just what am I supposed to do?
Please tell that boy if you meet him
That someone's longing to see him
Where did my baby go?
I wish that he would get back soon (get back soon)

i wish i could understand her better.


i wish she could see how much it hurts.

i don't want to be defensive, but it's hard for me to let things go. That's a two way street.


i wish i could express to her all the things that excite me and infect her with that. sometimes the things that excite me aren't things i can necessarily show her in pictures or videos.

i wish i was more creatively expressive.

i wish she appreciated me more for who i am, not for what i do.

i've had to learn the hard way that you can't trust everybody you meet. Even somebody with whom you've shared things about yourself that there's no way you would share them with anybody else.


i wish she loved me.