it's just a game

..but our relationship isn't.

We're more similar than we think. So I understand where you're coming from. And I still love you.


Two of a kind, with a little growing up to do..

low

Gravity is working against me,
And gravity wants to bring me down.


I wish you could help, but I don't think that's where the answer lies. I'm sorry.

Just keep me where the light is.

Feeling like you're not part of anything. It's a bad feeling to have.

Shake it off.

The grass is greener on the other side but it's such a long way uphill.

My load is so heavy.

I. want. this feel.ing. to end.

feelin philosophical

The last few days have been non-events for me. Not much going on, not much doing. I feel like I'm treading water.

I've spent a bit more time with Joan and that's made me feel good. Otherwise, not much. All the action happens this weekend- moving house into a room that is itself shite, but I'm hoping that it is everything else that comes with the room that makes it good. This ranges from things like awesome cable internet (compared to shite adsl that I have to put up with atm), platinum foxtel, to other things such as travel time to work (hopefully minimal traffic), and being able to spend more time with Joan, even if it's just snatching an hour here and there.

Moving house and changing jobs are two things that don't happen all that often in one's life- although I suppose that depends on your industry and career choice. I feel it won't happen many times for me. The expense involved in changing this is like changing cars- don't do it too often cos it's just a waste of money.

Things come and things go. I'm beginning to realise that alot of the time friends do as well. And it's sad. The people that truly value you, and the people that you value, are often very different people altogether. I wish it wasn't like that in my life.

There's an old expression, that you should be able to count the number of true friends that you have in your whole life, on one hand. There's also a modern take on that- for every 100 friends a person has on facebook, they probably only truly have 2 friends. Well, by that count, I would have 4.6 (I suppose round that up to 5, or have 4 friends and know an infant). One hand.

Beginning to think, who are the people I'm always calling to contact, and who are those that take the time to text or call me? The people that I cared about, and the people I thought cared about me, yeah, it's different people.

In times of hardship you see who your true friends are, and you see their true colours. I don't know my colour, but the people that have my back- I've always preferred the company of a few to the company of many. Suppose that's lucky.

But it all doesn't matter. To be loved, and to love. That's much more important.

I love you. I love you for trying your best. Let's grow together.

quote, unquote

I want your kisses in the morning, yeah
to let me know that everything will be alright
I wanna touch you every night before I go to sleep
to let you know that everything will be just fine

Whenever you're happy,
it makes me happy
I wanna be there for you
and do whatever makes you smile..

- Anthony David, "Ain't Good Enough For Me"

love is..

..when your boyfriend walks out of the cinema with you just because you're too scared to watch the rest of the film, even though he really wanted to see the movie and even though he paid for both tickets.

natural light, get it off!

Being self-imposed housebound for the last week or so has sucked. Illness is such a chore; it consumes so much of your energy, spirit and willpower to do things, your enthusiasm to shine, your ability to to break out and carpe diem and all that. I've just wanted to lie in bed, migrate to the PC, and headed out to the grocery store to stock up on soup. Lots of it. The Heinz Very Special range is surprisingly good! For $3 a can, can't go wrong.

I used to get over colds and flus really quickly as a kid. Couple of days tops and bam, back in it. I used to wear shorts to school and it'd be like 4-5 degrees and foggy. Now it seems I can't shake off colds for at least a week no matter what I try. I don't know why.

One of the "positive" aspects of being sick, I suppose, is that I've lost a bit of weight. I'm reminded of the so-called celebrity "diet" where in order to lose a few pounds people intentionally ate under-cooked chicken/pork to get e-coli or salmonella poisoning. A few days of diarrhoea, maybe a little vomiting, and voila, down a dress size. IDIOTS.

In this day and age of instant celebrity and the multitude of ways to get it- reality TV, being a blogstar/youtube star eg. Perez Hilton, I have to take a step back. Why do we worship these people so much? And why do their opinions on completely random topics carry so much weight?
And why are there so many trashy magazines dedicated to getting snaps of celebs looking 'ugly' for when they just want to go down the store and buy some bread and milk for chrissakes?

An example that comes to mind is Kanye West. A true celebrity because he is recognised for his talent- beatmaking and rapping. Never get it twisted- he is a beatmaker and producer first and foremost. I love his style. In a recent mixtape he released before Graduation was dropped, he recounts how someone asked him in an interview, whether he would vote for Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton in the Democratic candidacy.

Why ask him? I guess it's interesting to know different things about celebrities, know more about their lives than just what they're famous for, sure. To just get his opinion on an issue that affects the American nation, sure. But if at that moment he says the wrong thing, it'll get blown out of context and become a scandal, because he's a celebrity. It's like, as a celebrity must be able to keep right on the pulse of everything. Because you're a celebrity, you must know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING. Your opinion is instantly more informed, more wise, more intelligent. You've become a god. But wtf.

Kanye goes on to say, well, I'm just interested in doing projects that are exciting and interesting to him. I don't really know that much about politics to make an informed statement. Good on him. Common sense prevails. Sure it's interesting to read what he'd have to say. But it's only his opinion in a field where he has no further advantages or insight than say, my hairdresser. My hairdresser ain't known all round the world, but her political opinion is probably more informed than Kanye's. So why aren't her passionate anti-Bush anti-McCain views a nationwide scandal?

PS> Has anyone else thought of putting Jon McCain's face on the McCain chips? That'd be funny.

i don't know what it is
but every time i feel like i'm finally past it
and embrace it like i used to
you do something
that makes me not want to.

i don't want it if it's going to be like this.
it's too often for me to handle.
what did i ever do to deserve this mistrust?
Nothing.

-----
Every time, every time i see you, i see you, i say-say
That tomorrow, that tomorrow's never promised today


Damien Rice- "The Blower's Daughter"/ Alicia Keys ft. Ludacris- "Like You'll Never See Me Again" (remix)

It's a question

Of loyalty.

It is such a priceless commodity, a hidden treasure unearthed in the most unlikely of people and sources? Valued and also incredibly underrated. And incredibly hard to find true loyalty.

Of trust.

Being trusting, overly so, can be detrimental to your health. A healthy distrust on the other hand, means not being able to relax. I like to give people that I don't know well the benefit of the doubt. So far it hasn't gotten me anywhere. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop even if it seems the easier or wiser alternative.


Of selflessness.

Everyone is selfish. correction. Everyone in my life has been selfish. Being selfish is sometimes a good thing, cos you need to look after yourself as well as others. It seems ironic, but doing too much to help people out means you end up being the person that needs the most help.


_____________
Hurt.
Nine inch nails dropping slowly
I stare fixedly, awaiting, fascinated, unnerving
Imagining the sensation
The digging into my skin, mine flesh.
Inches, millimetres, moments.
The pain, the misery, the loathing.

I blink.
There is always a way out of this mess we're in.
There's an exit for one, but a better one for two.

like the flowing river

do i have a fundamental flaw?

maybe i'm not creative enough, maybe i can't always find things to pique your interest, maybe maybe maybe.

i'm tired of thinking i'm inadequate, that i always have to try harder. that i'm always the one that has to change.

i'm starting to wonder if
it
was
never
meant
to
be.

i'm just trying to be me. if that's not enough i don't know what else i'm supposed to do.

creativity at its finest

A friend sent these to me.. I dig the first one! I also dig the second one in terms of concept but the drawings themselves aren't quite as appealing.