relations and the W word

While I was having a shower today I had a thought. I'm relatively certain the best philosophers and thinkers and inventors of modern times come up with their ideas in the shower. It's such a great thinking spot!

But that wasn't my thought. I was thinking about relationships and friendships. I'm the sort of person that needs to get to know a person when I meet them. I like to think that beyond the superficial meaningless polite chit chat about work/hobbies etc, for all the people I keep in touch with there's something about them as people that I know that not many other people do. Something personal, whether that be a shared funny experience or an opinion they may not necessarily share with everybody else, or helping them through a troubled time.

I think that's how friendship works. True friends are people with whom you're able to let your guard down and share with them your darkest thoughts, your deepest fears and doubts, for better or worse, without fear of embarrassment or ridicule. If I apply that definition, then I don't have many true friends. I keep my guard up alot of the time, so maybe that's of my own making.

There aren't many people out there that know about my past. My past includes a difficult childhood, difficult family environment for most of it, and the troubles of a kid who's been accelerated through school as a "gifted" student. There would be a few people who would know bits and pieces, but from go to woe? I could easily count them on one hand. And I don't think there are 5 people out there I've told. I realise this is slightly ironic that I am now blogging this, which can potentially be seen by the entire internet world.

On the other hand, how to define a relationship? An obvious difference between relationship and friendship is physical attraction, and deriving the physical pleasure that goes with that. But for me there's more than that. If it was just so I had someone to do stuff with, then I could just get some friends. If it was just about the physical, then you don't need a relationship for that either.

I think it's about sharing. I don't mean just the stuff, the material that we all collate over the years that's new and interesting to the other person. I mean sharing experiences. Not just about telling her the stories of the crazy and interesting of the past, but of the future. It's not about me just wanting to do this and this. It's now me wanting to do this and this WITH her. And I could still go and do this and this with just myself or with other people, but somehow it's not as fun as if it had been with that other person.

For example I've always wanted to go up to Jenolan caves and just explore. I've always wanted to go camping for 3 days and just unwind. There's nothing stopping me from doing that with friends, aside from just general laziness. But that's the thing. If I could do those things with her, I would organise it in a second. I'm generally ok with organising things, I just need the motivation to do it. And while it sounds like a cop out, the motivation I need, is a particular person.

Currently I'm in a relationship with a special girl. I'm willing to go through so much for her. She's so special to me, and a special part of my life, even if she doesn't always know it cos I don't always show it all the time. I'm doing the best I can, every day is a new step for me.

The W word is why? Well I don't know the answer quite at the moment. But it makes me happy to go through life with her, and share the experiences I can with her.